( home has never been a place for him, it's been the people he's chosen to surround himself with, the ones he's chosen to keep close, and this is more of a homecoming than either of them could have asked for, though it stands to reason that maybe … neither of them would have.
but this —
it's the smile so rarely given, that warmth, yes, of the other half of you, the sweetness in subtle gestures that could have never come from anyone else.
he does see those marks, and without even thinking he reaches out to ghost the tips of his fingers over them, inwardly wincing at how much it still must ache; yuji hasn't said anything to him about even speaking to suguru yet, but perhaps he hasn't had a reason, and he's not about ot fault him. or start asking questions. ( yet. ) )
[ suguru consciously doesn't think about how, very suddenly, he yearns for more of that touch. not just the barest ghost of it, because that feels like the home he's turned away from, the only place he's ever belonged.
does he still have a claim to it anymore?
suguru reaches for him without thinking, fingers closing around his wrist, but the memory comes upon them vividly at the touch, immersing them in the fateful day of geto suguru's last mission. that cursed, awful village.
the stench of it is overwhelming, girded by the soft whimpers and cries of two very small girls huddled in a dirty cage. they're filthy and malnourished, so small and fearful, and suguru's surprise and horror is evident.
here is where he breaks, in the midst of the villagers' accusing and vile prejudice, soaked in willfully ignorant cruelty.
geto suguru makes his final choice, horror becoming grim fury as he, once the bastion of protection for humans, turns on them in a wrathful moment.
what unfurls next is a bloody massacre, screams and crunching bone filling the silence of the night. the blood of the villagers barely skirt the soles of suguru's polished shoes, the broken bodies piled atop each other.
in the middle of it, suguru, stained with blood, opens the cage and smiles, sadness, grief buried in his eyes. a part of himself that satoru will surely recognise has died alongside the villagers that he has murdered. it's missing now, but suguru's gesture is tender, when he reaches out to the girls.
"come on out. my name is geto suguru, and you're safe now. i'll protect you from now on."
( he doesn't have a right to touch him so openly, and some distant part of him knows that but a part of him so much closer to the surface wants just as much as suguru does, but he'll be damned if he acts on it. it isn't his place, isn't his right, but then the other man is reaching for him and he thinks he might be overthinking things too much —
but then the memory hits him like a ton of bricks and it's as though he has a front row seat to one of suguru's greatest horrors, one of his biggest nightmares. it doesn't take long to get from start to finish, little more than flashes of images that only give him as much clarity as he needs to know just who those little girls are, young as they are, and it's only when suguru comes back to himself that he even thinks to say anything, a bit stunned himself for everything he's just seen. and he doesn't even know the half of it.
still, he's quiet for a small moment, focusing on breathing, taking it all in and slowly bringing himself to meet his gaze with his own, somewhat searching. )
Your … ( he stops, starts, trying to pick through his words carefully. ) Your girls. I had no idea …
[ suguru looks back at him, a little too disoriented to put on his usual unaffected front. in this moment, he's vulnerable, lonely, and he misses his girls so much that his worry for them keeps him up at night. things aren't supposed to be like this.
but perhaps it's just as well that satoru sees them -- sees it, the front row seat to his darkest moment, the day he had made his choice and ended up leaving the one person that he's loved. ]
I couldn't tell you then. [ he admits quietly, apologetic. the higher ups were hunting him, they would've come for them, too, and where would they be, then? ]
...would you have done differently, if you were me?
[ satoru with his moral compass, satoru, who had wanted to kill everyone in the cult -- and satoru, who had ultimately been a better man than he is. ]
( he can see it even in the dimness, the small space between them, the vulnerability and openness of his expression making something in his chest ache like it had all those years ago when he'd lost one of the most important people that had ever come into his life.
( just because he'd made the choice to walk away. )
there have been so many dark moments in suguru's life, so many that had ultimately led him down his final path and then he asks him that question — would you have done differently, if you were me? — and all at once his throat is dry, closes up on him and for a handful of seconds he can't breathe, because up to that point, suguru had been his moral compass.
he'd been at such a loss when he found himself bereft.
he falls quiet for another moment, one that perhaps stretches too long before he can speak up again. ) I can't answer that. I don't know.
But I understand why you couldn't tell me. I don't … I don't blame you.
[ maybe this is what he's wanted to hear all along -- to know that satoru didn't hate him despite all the atrocities he's perpetrated. he is very aware, of course, that his sins are unforgivable. there is blood on his hands that can never be wiped clean, and his existence up until then had been absolutely unbearable.
he watches the play of expressions on his face, and reaches up to lightly touch his cheek. there is nothing more to be said for that now, and suguru finds himself on a new thought. ]
( he cuckold never hate him, much as he might have wanted to in the beginning of his desertion; he'd lost a piece of himself that day, he's been convinced since then, and he'd been so sure that there was no getting it back.
and yet here he is, right in front of him, baring his heart and his past and all the things that had hurt him. and it leaves him breathless.
his one and only.
when that touch comes to his cheek, the contact lasts long enough that suguru is going to get a flash of one of gojo's own memories. one of a small boy with dark, unruly hair in a short-sleeved shirt, shorts and sandals with a hand basket hooked over one arm. it's very clear they're doing a grocery run, and the seriousness on this child's face is a force to be reckoned with.
especially when it pans over to a much younger-looking gojo clearly hiding something behind his back, and when we next see small, dark and too-serious? there is a very stern look on his face and he's pointing to a nearby shelf, put them back! cropping up in a small but authoritative voice that. quite honestly cannot be ignored.
unless you're gojo satoru, and you're being policed about your sugar intake by a seven-year-old.
he laughs under his breath as the images fade, unconsciously nuzzling into the hand at his cheek. )
Yep … and he was my first. Megumi is a good boy but heaven help you if you try to sneak sweets around him.
[ suguru's breath catches. he sees it, the tiny little boy that is fushiguro megumi -- the features and the spiky hair are largely the same, and the implications are obvious; when suguru had his own children to raise, so did satoru.
he can't help a smile; it's cute, and having satoru policed by a very small child makes him chuckle, too, his heart aching in the sweetest of ways. the images linger, and suguru makes a note to thank megumi for taking care of satoru all these years -- yes, he's very sure that's mostly how it went. ]
I'm glad you had him.
[ he exhales a soft sigh, pressing his forehead to his, unable to help a wave of homesickness for his children. ]
Aaah... I was fighting to win, you know. Your other boy, your second, he fought for love. I wanted to win.
( of course there was no way of knowing that he would spend the next ten years of his life being effectively bossed around by a child, but he wouldn't have had it any other way; he would have done just about anything to keep the boy from being sold to the zen'ins for a myriad reasons, but if he thinks about the years they'd spent together, the three of them before tsumiki had been cursed —
his life would not have been the same without them. he cherishes those years with everything in them, and he's proud of the young man megumi is growing up to be. he really does love him with everything in him.
satoru inhales sharply when he mentions yuta, and by god and everything he stands for he doesn't want to think about that day, not now, when everything already feels so tentative, fragile and new. he lets that breath out slowly, swallowing around a patch of dryness in the back of his throat. ) Yuta is always going to fight for love, I think. It's just the kind of person he is. ( a good heart. a good soul. steadfast, loyal —
he pauses, and then: ) What will you fight for now?
[ what will he fight for now? what a question to ask. suguru's loved ones are in the other world, and he's here, a dead man given another chance (maybe?) with the one person he's ever truly been himself with, his other half, the only one he cherishes and loves; the hardest one he had to leave behind.
he's silent for a long moment, more vulnerable than he's ever allowed to be, lost. this moment truly is fragile, and with everything that has been going on, suguru can barely have time to himself to really, really think.
there's satoru, there's the children, there are those from other worlds who have been hurt for who they are, with their own unique powers --
-- he shifts, swallowing a lump in his throat. finally, he confesses a single truth: ]
I don't know. I've lost everything, Satoru.
[ and satoru -- who's here with him, whom he's sharing this bed with. there is an uncharacteristic uncertainty in suguru's eyes, tentative and careful.
almost everything. right...? is satoru still his? ]
( it's difficult to be vulnerable, he knows that well — perhaps it's the most difficult with the ones you hold most dear, because it means giving over an opening to be hurt, an achilles' heel to bring down the biggest, the strongest.
it would be so much easier to keep everyone at arm's length, and maybe that's why satoru is so particular with those he lets past his barriers. he would rather keep the walls up, truth be told, because it brings everything down to the bare minimum chance of some measure of fallout.
where the other's fingers had curled around his wrist at the beginning, satoru reaches to loosen that grip and instead twine those fingers with his own; it's something he does without thinking, meeting suguru's gaze as he fights to find the words that come out of him next, and it's such a finite statement — i've lost everything — that for a second he's unsure if he should say what lingers on the back of his tongue or not. )
There's always something to fight for. ( he ends up giving over softly, his voice catching, gone rough around the edges with the emotion he's trying to swallow down. ) Unless I'm nothing to you now.
his words hang in the silence between them, the revelation that satoru still wants to be considered his even after everything he's done, all the chaos and pain and death he's brought. his heart skips a beat when their fingers twine, the edges of warmth that keep him anchored where he is, steady against the darkness of spiraling thoughts.
suguru looks at him, sensing satoru's quiet understanding. they're rebuilding their connection, little by little -- and as it usually does with second chances, so much of it is difficult, and so much of it is ultimately worth doing.
here, they discover something new, they talk about things they've never said to each other when they were so, so young and flush with the illusion that they had all the time in the world. now, tempered by loss and heartbreak, they know better. ]
You're too much of a pain in my ass to mean nothing to me.
[ suguru manages with a small smile, leaning in to press his forehead to his despite his sass. his tone is gentle, and he squeezes his fingers. he remembers the last words satoru has ever said to him, and makes a soft noise. it's his turn now, is it? ]
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2023-02-04 02:41 am (UTC)but this —
it's the smile so rarely given, that warmth, yes, of the other half of you, the sweetness in subtle gestures that could have never come from anyone else.
he does see those marks, and without even thinking he reaches out to ghost the tips of his fingers over them, inwardly wincing at how much it still must ache; yuji hasn't said anything to him about even speaking to suguru yet, but perhaps he hasn't had a reason, and he's not about ot fault him. or start asking questions. ( yet. ) )
Something? ( he pauses. ) Or someone?
no subject
Date: 2023-02-04 04:13 am (UTC)does he still have a claim to it anymore?
suguru reaches for him without thinking, fingers closing around his wrist, but the memory comes upon them vividly at the touch, immersing them in the fateful day of geto suguru's last mission. that cursed, awful village.
the stench of it is overwhelming, girded by the soft whimpers and cries of two very small girls huddled in a dirty cage. they're filthy and malnourished, so small and fearful, and suguru's surprise and horror is evident.
here is where he breaks, in the midst of the villagers' accusing and vile prejudice, soaked in willfully ignorant cruelty.
geto suguru makes his final choice, horror becoming grim fury as he, once the bastion of protection for humans, turns on them in a wrathful moment.
what unfurls next is a bloody massacre, screams and crunching bone filling the silence of the night. the blood of the villagers barely skirt the soles of suguru's polished shoes, the broken bodies piled atop each other.
in the middle of it, suguru, stained with blood, opens the cage and smiles, sadness, grief buried in his eyes. a part of himself that satoru will surely recognise has died alongside the villagers that he has murdered. it's missing now, but suguru's gesture is tender, when he reaches out to the girls.
"come on out. my name is geto suguru, and you're safe now. i'll protect you from now on."
suguru comes to, shuddering -- ]
... you weren't supposed to see that.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-06 10:37 pm (UTC)but then the memory hits him like a ton of bricks and it's as though he has a front row seat to one of suguru's greatest horrors, one of his biggest nightmares. it doesn't take long to get from start to finish, little more than flashes of images that only give him as much clarity as he needs to know just who those little girls are, young as they are, and it's only when suguru comes back to himself that he even thinks to say anything, a bit stunned himself for everything he's just seen. and he doesn't even know the half of it.
still, he's quiet for a small moment, focusing on breathing, taking it all in and slowly bringing himself to meet his gaze with his own, somewhat searching. )
Your … ( he stops, starts, trying to pick through his words carefully. ) Your girls. I had no idea …
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 12:15 am (UTC)but perhaps it's just as well that satoru sees them -- sees it, the front row seat to his darkest moment, the day he had made his choice and ended up leaving the one person that he's loved. ]
I couldn't tell you then. [ he admits quietly, apologetic. the higher ups were hunting him, they would've come for them, too, and where would they be, then? ]
...would you have done differently, if you were me?
[ satoru with his moral compass, satoru, who had wanted to kill everyone in the cult -- and satoru, who had ultimately been a better man than he is. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-02-21 05:42 pm (UTC)( just because he'd made the choice to walk away. )
there have been so many dark moments in suguru's life, so many that had ultimately led him down his final path and then he asks him that question — would you have done differently, if you were me? — and all at once his throat is dry, closes up on him and for a handful of seconds he can't breathe, because up to that point, suguru had been his moral compass.
he'd been at such a loss when he found himself bereft.
he falls quiet for another moment, one that perhaps stretches too long before he can speak up again. ) I can't answer that. I don't know.
But I understand why you couldn't tell me. I don't … I don't blame you.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-22 12:29 am (UTC)he watches the play of expressions on his face, and reaches up to lightly touch his cheek. there is nothing more to be said for that now, and suguru finds himself on a new thought. ]
You had some kids of your own too.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 10:31 pm (UTC)and yet here he is, right in front of him, baring his heart and his past and all the things that had hurt him. and it leaves him breathless.
his one and only.
when that touch comes to his cheek, the contact lasts long enough that suguru is going to get a flash of one of gojo's own memories. one of a small boy with dark, unruly hair in a short-sleeved shirt, shorts and sandals with a hand basket hooked over one arm. it's very clear they're doing a grocery run, and the seriousness on this child's face is a force to be reckoned with.
especially when it pans over to a much younger-looking gojo clearly hiding something behind his back, and when we next see small, dark and too-serious? there is a very stern look on his face and he's pointing to a nearby shelf, put them back! cropping up in a small but authoritative voice that. quite honestly cannot be ignored.
unless you're gojo satoru, and you're being policed about your sugar intake by a seven-year-old.
he laughs under his breath as the images fade, unconsciously nuzzling into the hand at his cheek. )
Yep … and he was my first. Megumi is a good boy but heaven help you if you try to sneak sweets around him.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-04 03:12 pm (UTC)he can't help a smile; it's cute, and having satoru policed by a very small child makes him chuckle, too, his heart aching in the sweetest of ways. the images linger, and suguru makes a note to thank megumi for taking care of satoru all these years -- yes, he's very sure that's mostly how it went. ]
I'm glad you had him.
[ he exhales a soft sigh, pressing his forehead to his, unable to help a wave of homesickness for his children. ]
Aaah... I was fighting to win, you know. Your other boy, your second, he fought for love. I wanted to win.
[ and now... ]
NOTICING A VERY UNFORUNATE TYPO WEEKS LATER good lord
Date: 2023-03-27 06:59 pm (UTC)his life would not have been the same without them. he cherishes those years with everything in them, and he's proud of the young man megumi is growing up to be. he really does love him with everything in him.
satoru inhales sharply when he mentions yuta, and by god and everything he stands for he doesn't want to think about that day, not now, when everything already feels so tentative, fragile and new. he lets that breath out slowly, swallowing around a patch of dryness in the back of his throat. ) Yuta is always going to fight for love, I think. It's just the kind of person he is. ( a good heart. a good soul. steadfast, loyal —
he pauses, and then: ) What will you fight for now?
shdjjfjfk I SAW NOTHING
Date: 2023-03-28 12:32 am (UTC)he's silent for a long moment, more vulnerable than he's ever allowed to be, lost. this moment truly is fragile, and with everything that has been going on, suguru can barely have time to himself to really, really think.
there's satoru, there's the children, there are those from other worlds who have been hurt for who they are, with their own unique powers --
-- he shifts, swallowing a lump in his throat. finally, he confesses a single truth: ]
I don't know. I've lost everything, Satoru.
[ and satoru -- who's here with him, whom he's sharing this bed with. there is an uncharacteristic uncertainty in suguru's eyes, tentative and careful.
almost everything. right...? is satoru still his? ]
YOU'RE DANG RIGHT YOU DIDN'T
Date: 2023-03-28 08:23 pm (UTC)it would be so much easier to keep everyone at arm's length, and maybe that's why satoru is so particular with those he lets past his barriers. he would rather keep the walls up, truth be told, because it brings everything down to the bare minimum chance of some measure of fallout.
where the other's fingers had curled around his wrist at the beginning, satoru reaches to loosen that grip and instead twine those fingers with his own; it's something he does without thinking, meeting suguru's gaze as he fights to find the words that come out of him next, and it's such a finite statement — i've lost everything — that for a second he's unsure if he should say what lingers on the back of his tongue or not. )
There's always something to fight for. ( he ends up giving over softly, his voice catching, gone rough around the edges with the emotion he's trying to swallow down. ) Unless I'm nothing to you now.
AJKSHDHFG YOU'RE FIERCE I LOVE IT
Date: 2023-03-29 02:32 am (UTC)his words hang in the silence between them, the revelation that satoru still wants to be considered his even after everything he's done, all the chaos and pain and death he's brought. his heart skips a beat when their fingers twine, the edges of warmth that keep him anchored where he is, steady against the darkness of spiraling thoughts.
suguru looks at him, sensing satoru's quiet understanding. they're rebuilding their connection, little by little -- and as it usually does with second chances, so much of it is difficult, and so much of it is ultimately worth doing.
here, they discover something new, they talk about things they've never said to each other when they were so, so young and flush with the illusion that they had all the time in the world. now, tempered by loss and heartbreak, they know better. ]
You're too much of a pain in my ass to mean nothing to me.
[ suguru manages with a small smile, leaning in to press his forehead to his despite his sass. his tone is gentle, and he squeezes his fingers. he remembers the last words satoru has ever said to him, and makes a soft noise. it's his turn now, is it? ]
...you're my one and only best friend.