( he can see it even in the dimness, the small space between them, the vulnerability and openness of his expression making something in his chest ache like it had all those years ago when he'd lost one of the most important people that had ever come into his life.
( just because he'd made the choice to walk away. )
there have been so many dark moments in suguru's life, so many that had ultimately led him down his final path and then he asks him that question — would you have done differently, if you were me? — and all at once his throat is dry, closes up on him and for a handful of seconds he can't breathe, because up to that point, suguru had been his moral compass.
he'd been at such a loss when he found himself bereft.
he falls quiet for another moment, one that perhaps stretches too long before he can speak up again. ) I can't answer that. I don't know.
But I understand why you couldn't tell me. I don't … I don't blame you.
[ maybe this is what he's wanted to hear all along -- to know that satoru didn't hate him despite all the atrocities he's perpetrated. he is very aware, of course, that his sins are unforgivable. there is blood on his hands that can never be wiped clean, and his existence up until then had been absolutely unbearable.
he watches the play of expressions on his face, and reaches up to lightly touch his cheek. there is nothing more to be said for that now, and suguru finds himself on a new thought. ]
( he cuckold never hate him, much as he might have wanted to in the beginning of his desertion; he'd lost a piece of himself that day, he's been convinced since then, and he'd been so sure that there was no getting it back.
and yet here he is, right in front of him, baring his heart and his past and all the things that had hurt him. and it leaves him breathless.
his one and only.
when that touch comes to his cheek, the contact lasts long enough that suguru is going to get a flash of one of gojo's own memories. one of a small boy with dark, unruly hair in a short-sleeved shirt, shorts and sandals with a hand basket hooked over one arm. it's very clear they're doing a grocery run, and the seriousness on this child's face is a force to be reckoned with.
especially when it pans over to a much younger-looking gojo clearly hiding something behind his back, and when we next see small, dark and too-serious? there is a very stern look on his face and he's pointing to a nearby shelf, put them back! cropping up in a small but authoritative voice that. quite honestly cannot be ignored.
unless you're gojo satoru, and you're being policed about your sugar intake by a seven-year-old.
he laughs under his breath as the images fade, unconsciously nuzzling into the hand at his cheek. )
Yep … and he was my first. Megumi is a good boy but heaven help you if you try to sneak sweets around him.
[ suguru's breath catches. he sees it, the tiny little boy that is fushiguro megumi -- the features and the spiky hair are largely the same, and the implications are obvious; when suguru had his own children to raise, so did satoru.
he can't help a smile; it's cute, and having satoru policed by a very small child makes him chuckle, too, his heart aching in the sweetest of ways. the images linger, and suguru makes a note to thank megumi for taking care of satoru all these years -- yes, he's very sure that's mostly how it went. ]
I'm glad you had him.
[ he exhales a soft sigh, pressing his forehead to his, unable to help a wave of homesickness for his children. ]
Aaah... I was fighting to win, you know. Your other boy, your second, he fought for love. I wanted to win.
( of course there was no way of knowing that he would spend the next ten years of his life being effectively bossed around by a child, but he wouldn't have had it any other way; he would have done just about anything to keep the boy from being sold to the zen'ins for a myriad reasons, but if he thinks about the years they'd spent together, the three of them before tsumiki had been cursed —
his life would not have been the same without them. he cherishes those years with everything in them, and he's proud of the young man megumi is growing up to be. he really does love him with everything in him.
satoru inhales sharply when he mentions yuta, and by god and everything he stands for he doesn't want to think about that day, not now, when everything already feels so tentative, fragile and new. he lets that breath out slowly, swallowing around a patch of dryness in the back of his throat. ) Yuta is always going to fight for love, I think. It's just the kind of person he is. ( a good heart. a good soul. steadfast, loyal —
he pauses, and then: ) What will you fight for now?
[ what will he fight for now? what a question to ask. suguru's loved ones are in the other world, and he's here, a dead man given another chance (maybe?) with the one person he's ever truly been himself with, his other half, the only one he cherishes and loves; the hardest one he had to leave behind.
he's silent for a long moment, more vulnerable than he's ever allowed to be, lost. this moment truly is fragile, and with everything that has been going on, suguru can barely have time to himself to really, really think.
there's satoru, there's the children, there are those from other worlds who have been hurt for who they are, with their own unique powers --
-- he shifts, swallowing a lump in his throat. finally, he confesses a single truth: ]
I don't know. I've lost everything, Satoru.
[ and satoru -- who's here with him, whom he's sharing this bed with. there is an uncharacteristic uncertainty in suguru's eyes, tentative and careful.
almost everything. right...? is satoru still his? ]
( it's difficult to be vulnerable, he knows that well — perhaps it's the most difficult with the ones you hold most dear, because it means giving over an opening to be hurt, an achilles' heel to bring down the biggest, the strongest.
it would be so much easier to keep everyone at arm's length, and maybe that's why satoru is so particular with those he lets past his barriers. he would rather keep the walls up, truth be told, because it brings everything down to the bare minimum chance of some measure of fallout.
where the other's fingers had curled around his wrist at the beginning, satoru reaches to loosen that grip and instead twine those fingers with his own; it's something he does without thinking, meeting suguru's gaze as he fights to find the words that come out of him next, and it's such a finite statement — i've lost everything — that for a second he's unsure if he should say what lingers on the back of his tongue or not. )
There's always something to fight for. ( he ends up giving over softly, his voice catching, gone rough around the edges with the emotion he's trying to swallow down. ) Unless I'm nothing to you now.
his words hang in the silence between them, the revelation that satoru still wants to be considered his even after everything he's done, all the chaos and pain and death he's brought. his heart skips a beat when their fingers twine, the edges of warmth that keep him anchored where he is, steady against the darkness of spiraling thoughts.
suguru looks at him, sensing satoru's quiet understanding. they're rebuilding their connection, little by little -- and as it usually does with second chances, so much of it is difficult, and so much of it is ultimately worth doing.
here, they discover something new, they talk about things they've never said to each other when they were so, so young and flush with the illusion that they had all the time in the world. now, tempered by loss and heartbreak, they know better. ]
You're too much of a pain in my ass to mean nothing to me.
[ suguru manages with a small smile, leaning in to press his forehead to his despite his sass. his tone is gentle, and he squeezes his fingers. he remembers the last words satoru has ever said to him, and makes a soft noise. it's his turn now, is it? ]
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winterfish
no subject
Date: 2023-02-21 05:42 pm (UTC)( just because he'd made the choice to walk away. )
there have been so many dark moments in suguru's life, so many that had ultimately led him down his final path and then he asks him that question — would you have done differently, if you were me? — and all at once his throat is dry, closes up on him and for a handful of seconds he can't breathe, because up to that point, suguru had been his moral compass.
he'd been at such a loss when he found himself bereft.
he falls quiet for another moment, one that perhaps stretches too long before he can speak up again. ) I can't answer that. I don't know.
But I understand why you couldn't tell me. I don't … I don't blame you.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-22 12:29 am (UTC)he watches the play of expressions on his face, and reaches up to lightly touch his cheek. there is nothing more to be said for that now, and suguru finds himself on a new thought. ]
You had some kids of your own too.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-23 10:31 pm (UTC)and yet here he is, right in front of him, baring his heart and his past and all the things that had hurt him. and it leaves him breathless.
his one and only.
when that touch comes to his cheek, the contact lasts long enough that suguru is going to get a flash of one of gojo's own memories. one of a small boy with dark, unruly hair in a short-sleeved shirt, shorts and sandals with a hand basket hooked over one arm. it's very clear they're doing a grocery run, and the seriousness on this child's face is a force to be reckoned with.
especially when it pans over to a much younger-looking gojo clearly hiding something behind his back, and when we next see small, dark and too-serious? there is a very stern look on his face and he's pointing to a nearby shelf, put them back! cropping up in a small but authoritative voice that. quite honestly cannot be ignored.
unless you're gojo satoru, and you're being policed about your sugar intake by a seven-year-old.
he laughs under his breath as the images fade, unconsciously nuzzling into the hand at his cheek. )
Yep … and he was my first. Megumi is a good boy but heaven help you if you try to sneak sweets around him.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-04 03:12 pm (UTC)he can't help a smile; it's cute, and having satoru policed by a very small child makes him chuckle, too, his heart aching in the sweetest of ways. the images linger, and suguru makes a note to thank megumi for taking care of satoru all these years -- yes, he's very sure that's mostly how it went. ]
I'm glad you had him.
[ he exhales a soft sigh, pressing his forehead to his, unable to help a wave of homesickness for his children. ]
Aaah... I was fighting to win, you know. Your other boy, your second, he fought for love. I wanted to win.
[ and now... ]
NOTICING A VERY UNFORUNATE TYPO WEEKS LATER good lord
Date: 2023-03-27 06:59 pm (UTC)his life would not have been the same without them. he cherishes those years with everything in them, and he's proud of the young man megumi is growing up to be. he really does love him with everything in him.
satoru inhales sharply when he mentions yuta, and by god and everything he stands for he doesn't want to think about that day, not now, when everything already feels so tentative, fragile and new. he lets that breath out slowly, swallowing around a patch of dryness in the back of his throat. ) Yuta is always going to fight for love, I think. It's just the kind of person he is. ( a good heart. a good soul. steadfast, loyal —
he pauses, and then: ) What will you fight for now?
shdjjfjfk I SAW NOTHING
Date: 2023-03-28 12:32 am (UTC)he's silent for a long moment, more vulnerable than he's ever allowed to be, lost. this moment truly is fragile, and with everything that has been going on, suguru can barely have time to himself to really, really think.
there's satoru, there's the children, there are those from other worlds who have been hurt for who they are, with their own unique powers --
-- he shifts, swallowing a lump in his throat. finally, he confesses a single truth: ]
I don't know. I've lost everything, Satoru.
[ and satoru -- who's here with him, whom he's sharing this bed with. there is an uncharacteristic uncertainty in suguru's eyes, tentative and careful.
almost everything. right...? is satoru still his? ]
YOU'RE DANG RIGHT YOU DIDN'T
Date: 2023-03-28 08:23 pm (UTC)it would be so much easier to keep everyone at arm's length, and maybe that's why satoru is so particular with those he lets past his barriers. he would rather keep the walls up, truth be told, because it brings everything down to the bare minimum chance of some measure of fallout.
where the other's fingers had curled around his wrist at the beginning, satoru reaches to loosen that grip and instead twine those fingers with his own; it's something he does without thinking, meeting suguru's gaze as he fights to find the words that come out of him next, and it's such a finite statement — i've lost everything — that for a second he's unsure if he should say what lingers on the back of his tongue or not. )
There's always something to fight for. ( he ends up giving over softly, his voice catching, gone rough around the edges with the emotion he's trying to swallow down. ) Unless I'm nothing to you now.
AJKSHDHFG YOU'RE FIERCE I LOVE IT
Date: 2023-03-29 02:32 am (UTC)his words hang in the silence between them, the revelation that satoru still wants to be considered his even after everything he's done, all the chaos and pain and death he's brought. his heart skips a beat when their fingers twine, the edges of warmth that keep him anchored where he is, steady against the darkness of spiraling thoughts.
suguru looks at him, sensing satoru's quiet understanding. they're rebuilding their connection, little by little -- and as it usually does with second chances, so much of it is difficult, and so much of it is ultimately worth doing.
here, they discover something new, they talk about things they've never said to each other when they were so, so young and flush with the illusion that they had all the time in the world. now, tempered by loss and heartbreak, they know better. ]
You're too much of a pain in my ass to mean nothing to me.
[ suguru manages with a small smile, leaning in to press his forehead to his despite his sass. his tone is gentle, and he squeezes his fingers. he remembers the last words satoru has ever said to him, and makes a soft noise. it's his turn now, is it? ]
...you're my one and only best friend.