( he's carried the weight of what he'd been forced to do with him all these years, kept it locked away along with everything else he'd lost and kept it hidden, because it's never been anyone's burden to bear but his own, and he couldn't fathom letting the skeletons out of his closet just for the sake of a little bit of peace of mind.

( he hadn't had a choice. there was no other way. but the toll it had taken on him had been a big one, and he'd never thought he would ever actually find himself getting over it. )

satoru swallows hard, pressing into the hand at his cheek and all at once shifting to close what little distance remains between them, lifting himself up to straddle the other's waist and bury his face in the side of his neck, choking back a strained, strangled sort of sound at i'm sorry it ended that way. )

I never wanted it to be like that, Suguru. I never thought I would have to—

( do what i did.

he's shaking now, and a part of him hates how vulnerable he's made himself out to be, but if there's ever going to be a weakness he'll own with everything in him … it's the man he now shares a bed with without a second thought. )

Sometimes I think I'm dreaming. Here, you know? ( he murmurs against the beat of his pulse, lips brushing over warm skin, not wanting to pull back enough to speak properly. ) That I wanted you back so badly that this is some kind of screwed up coping mechanism for refusing to accept you were really gone. ( he pauses, then lifts his head to press a desperate kiss against his mouth, so out of his mind from a stupid dream that he doesn't stop to think for a moment that he shouldn't. )

I'm not still dreaming, right?